


Please Stop

by Musicania



Series: Jackbum Title Fics [3]
Category: GOT7
Genre: Angst, Basically just 6k of angst, Idol AU, M/M, Pining, Song fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-22
Updated: 2019-07-22
Packaged: 2020-07-10 05:44:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19900780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Musicania/pseuds/Musicania
Summary: Jackson had always been the one in Got7 who did skinship the most. Everyone saw that. But what everyone didn't see was the longing in Jaebum's eyes every time Jackson touched him. They didn't see how much Jaebum wanted more.





	Please Stop

**Author's Note:**

> New Readers: If you want you can find out more about this series and get caught up on previous works [here](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1411069)
> 
> This fic is based off of 'Stop Stop It' which was released in November 2014 off their album Identify.

Jaebum tried not to flinch when he felt Jackson walk up behind the stool he was sitting on, his arms wrapping around Jaebum and his chin resting on Jaebum's shoulder as they watched Mark and Bambam play some stupid game Jaebum couldn’t remember the rules for.

Jaebum disliked variety shows for so many reasons, the stupid games being one of them, but lately his biggest source of anguish had been the man currently draped across his back. Jackson loved skinship and the fans loved Jackson doing skinship so Got7 had long since gotten used to Jackson clinging to them and hugging them during broadcasts, except ever since Jaebum had realized he was in love with Jackson, all the small meaningless gestures just became painful instead. 

Jackson was so close, his body heat warming Jaebum beyond what was comfortable given the thick sweater the stylists had given Jaebum to wear and the heat from the lights on set. Jaebum could feel strands of Jackson's hair brush against his cheek and neck. Jackson's fingers were playing absently with one of the buttons on Jaebum's sweater, undoing it and then popping it back through the hole. 

Jaebum wanted to turn his head, bury his nose in Jackson hair or press his lips against Jackson's cheek. Wanted to pull him close and forget all about the show they were currently filming, forget about the two dozen pairs of eyes on them from behind the cameras and on set next to them.

“Man, I’m so glad we don’t have to do that.” Jackson muttered softly, his voice sounding somehow different so close to Jaebum’s ear.

Jaebum hummed in agreement and tried not to melt back into Jackson’s embrace.

The game ended and Jackson released him, Jaebum exhaling in relief as Jackson went to congratulate Mark on his victory that had somehow resulted in Bambam sprawled on the floor.

Jinyoung reached over and squeezed his thigh briefly in sympathy, knowing Jaebum’s inner turmoil all too well, and Jaebum sent him a small, appreciative smile in return. 

Jaebum didn’t know when it changed. When Jackson’s touch changed from something that brought butterflies to his stomach, something that he craved, to something that almost caused him physical pain. Jaebum wanted Jackson so _badly_ that all the casual touches that, to Jackson, were as natural as breathing only became reminders of something that Jaebum couldn’t have. 

It hurt when Jackson grabbed his arm when he spoke or laughed because Jaebum just wanted to use that hand to pull Jackson into a hug and hold him close. It hurt when Jackson locked eyes with him from across the room and sent him that sly smile, like the two of them had some secret between them that no one else knew. It hurt because Jaebum was keeping such a big secret from Jackson and he wasn’t sure that Jackson would look at him like again that if he knew how Jaebum felt. It hurt when Jackson leaned against him sleepily or snuggled into his shoulder because Jaebum could barely resist the urge to lean over and place a soft kiss on his forehead.

Jackson’s touches had rapidly become a test of Jaebum’s self control and he wasn’t sure how much longer he could take it. He’d never tell Jackson to stop, he knew that would hurt Jackson, but _god_ sometimes Jaebum wished he would. Sometimes it was just too much; Jaebum just _wanted_ too much. Wanted something that he knew wasn’t likely to ever happen.

Which was why he said nothing. Which was why he sat there and did nothing whenever Jackson placed a hand on his arm or thigh when talking to him. Whenever Jackson looped his arm through Jaebum’s while they were on a show. Whenever Jackson leaned tiredly against Jaebum’s shoulder or placed his arm around him. He tried to keep a straight face so that no one would see how much it hurt him to be so close but so far from what he really wanted. 

It wasn’t until the hosts decided it would be hilarious to blindfold him and have his members jump on his back, forcing Jaebum to guess who the member was that Jaebum realized he’d had enough. The moment Jackson jumped on his back, Jaebum knew it was him. It had nothing to do with the weight or the scent of the cologne or the size of the thighs under his palms. He knew it was Jackson by the way he tried to sit as far back as he could, keeping his weight on Jaebum’s hips and legs and putting less strain on his back. He knew it was Jackson by the gentle, soothing rubs he felt on his shoulder when he took a few seconds to think about how he should answer.

They were such _Jackson_ things to do. Ways to show that he cared about Jaebum without having to say any words at all; the positioning of his weight showed he didn’t want Jaebum to hurt his back again. The gentle pat on the shoulder telling Jaebum that it was okay if he didn’t guess right.

Jaebum’s throat tightened and as he fought the urge to cry on national television, he decided he needed to stop doing this to himself.

≪ ≫

He knew he didn’t have the heart to ask Jackson to stop touching him nor did he have the guts to tell Jackson why so he decided the next most mature thing to do was to not put himself in any situations where he’d be within reach of Jackson. He made sure to sit a few seats away, made sure another member was between them when walking or on variety shows. 

It worked, sort of. It was a different kind of exhausting, constantly having to be aware of where Jackson was and trying to think of ways to not be beside him without hurting him. He hadn't realized how often the two gravitated towards one another until he tried to stop it. It just felt natural to be beside Jackson.

He eventually resorted to just spending less time with the group, which he knew was not sustainable since he was the leader and all, but he'd take the reprieve for as long as he thought he could get away with it, using the excuse of working on new music to hole himself up in his studio. It wasn't exactly a lie. He _was_ working on new music. It was just angsty lovesick stuff that he needed to get out for his own sanity but that he knew Got7 would never use on their albums.

“Hyung?”

Jaebum jumped at the sound of the unexpected voice. Hated how his heart jumped at the sound of that voice too. He just hummed in response, taking another minute before he actually had to look at Jackson.

“Can I talk to you about something?”

Jaebum looked up then. There was something in Jackson’s voice, a strange sort of vulnerability. “Of course. What's the matter?”

Jackson looked worried as he sat on the edge of the couch Jaebum had in his studio, meeting Jaebum’s eyes before his gaze moved to the screen over Jaebum’s shoulder. 

That…hurt. Sure Jaebum had wanted a bit of distance from Jackson and his casual touches that actually meant something to Jaebum, but for Jackson to not even look at him was a whole other kind of painful.

Jackson took a breath before meeting Jaebum's eyes. “Did I do something wrong?”

Fuck. 

Jaebum really should have seen this coming. He should have listened when Jinyoung told him this plan was never going to work because Jaebum _knew_ how sensitive Jackson could be, how hard he could be on himself when he felt like he'd done something wrong. And now Jaebum’s inability to control his own emotions had hurt one of the people who mattered the most to him.

Jaebum rolled his chair closer to Jackson. “What? Of course you haven’t Jackson.” Jaebum said, hoping his expression and his voice expressed his sincerity.

They must have because Jackson relaxed a little, a frown falling across his features. “Then why do you keep avoiding me?”

Jaebum opened his mouth to deny that he’d being avoiding Jackson but seeing the determined look on Jackson’s face and the shadow of vulnerability in his eyes made Jaebum come up short. He _loved_ Jackson. He needed to stop hurting him just because he was scared. That wasn’t fair to Jackson. And frankly it wasn’t fair to himself either. It wasn’t fair to have to keep hiding this from Jackson, wasn’t fair for him to keep torturing himself with this secret, even more so now that it was affecting Jackson too.

But actually _telling_ Jackson was a whole other story. Looking at Jackson, seeing worry in his eyes, Jaebum had no idea what to say. This would change his entire relationship with Jackson, permanently. It might even affect his relationship with the rest of the group, even though about half of them already knew about Jaebum's feelings. This could change Got7.

But Jaebum wasn’t just a member of Got7, wasn’t just their leader, wasn’t just an idol. Jaebum was a human and he was allowed to have emotions, wasn’t he?

Jackson reached out, taking Jaebum’s hand and squeezing it gently. “Hyung, it’s just me. Tell me what’s bothering you.” He said softly, so softly, his voice filled with so much love and care that Jaebum nearly fell in love with him all over again.

How _everyone_ wasn't in love with Jackson Wang was something Jaebum couldn't understand. How was it possible to see Jackson, to get to know him, to work with him and _not_ fall in love was an absolute mystery. Jackson was passionate and hard working and an absolute goofball all at the same time. He was protective and loyal and wasn't afraid to stand up for himself and the people he cared about if he needed to, but at the same time he never tore anyone else down to do it. 

“I’m in love with you.” Jaebum heard himself say.

Jackson’s eyes widened as he stared at Jaebum for several heartbeats. 

Then his expression shuttered and he pulled his hand away from Jaebum’s. “I can’t do this.” He said, looking away from Jaebum. “I should go.”

And then he stood up and left the studio, leaving Jaebum staring at the empty couch with an empty hand and an even emptier heart.

≪ ≫

It was late when Jaebum entered the dorm, exhausted in every way a person could be exhausted. It was late but Jaebum didn’t know what time it was. Didn’t really care what time it was. He’d been coming home well past midnight for over a week already, ignoring Jinyoung’s and more recently Yugyeom’s pleas for him to come home and just get some rest. 

Jaebum didn’t _want_ rest. He needed it, sure, but he didn’t want it because when he laid down and tried to sleep all he saw was Jackson pulling his hand away. All he heard was ‘I can’t do this’ and ‘I should go.’

Jaebum didn’t blame Jackson, would never blame Jackson, for not returning his feelings. Jackson couldn’t control _not_ loving Jaebum any more than Jaebum could control loving Jackson. It was just hard. Even though he didn’t blame Jackson for not returning his feelings, Jaebum had honestly thought Jackson would have been a little kinder about turning him down. Jackson was the type of person who would willingly hurt himself over and over again to avoid causing pain for others so the fact that he rejected Jaebum so flatly and then just left almost hurt more than the rejection itself.

He’d seen Jackson genuinely and sincerely offer apologies for things that weren’t his fault. He’d seen Jackson smile and thank JYP after their boss shredded a song that Jackson had poured his heart and soul into to pieces. Was it really too much for Jaebum to ask that Jackson simply give him a ‘thank you for your feelings but I’m not interested’?

He had never been more grateful that they’d been given a break because he knew he’d have to pull himself together before their next comeback. He needed to figure out how to look at Jackson and not make it obvious that his heart was broken.

But that was a task for tomorrow.

Jaebum didn’t bother turning on the lights in his room after using the light from the hall to ensure his cats weren’t anywhere where he might step on them. He was pulling on a pair of sweatpants when a deep, husky voice nearly made him trip over his own feet. “Hyung?”

Jaebum knew that voice, knew that voice probably better than he knew his own given how often he’d heard it when the two had roomed together. It was the technically-awake-but-mostly-still-asleep voice of Jackson Wang, who was supposed to still be in China.

Jaebum paused for a moment before deciding that he’d probably just gone too long with too little sleep. It wasn’t possible he’d heard Jackson’s voice. Jackson wasn’t even in the country. 

He pulled off his sweater and took a step towards his en suite when he heard rustling on the bed. “Jaebum-hyung?” The voice called again, clearer and more awake and one that Jaebum couldn’t write off as a sleep deprived delusion.

“Jackson?” He asked, not moving, barely breathing. “Aren’t you supposed to be in China right now?”

Jackson hummed and in the dim light coming through the closed curtains he saw Jackson sit up from where he was curled up on Jaebum’s bed. “Came back. Had something important to do.”

“Oh,” Jaebum said lamely. “So how’d you end up _here_?” Jackson didn’t usually come to the dorm and Jaebum really didn’t see a reason for him to come now of all times, when they were both avoiding each other with such care and dedication. He _really_ didn’t see the reason Jackson would be sleeping in his bed.

“Waiting for you. What time is it hyung? You should have been home hours ago. What are you doing working so late on our break?”

Jaebum refrained from mentioning that Jackson usually worked about twenty hours a day so him scolding Jaebum for coming home at—he looked at the clock on his bedside table—half past two in the morning was ironic. “Had something important to do.” Jaebum said, echoing what Jackson had said just a moment ago.

“Is everything okay?” Jackson asked, sounding like he genuinely cared.

Jaebum closed his eyes. He didn’t have enough sleep to be able to deal with Jackson at the moment. Had spent too much time being sad and feeling sorry for himself and not enough time working though his feelings about being rejected to be able to have a normal conversation with Jackson yet. “It’s fine Jackson. Did you need something? I’m tired.” He said, wondering if he was being rude yet at the same time not really caring. Jackson had ambushed him without warning in the middle of the night in _his_ bed after rejecting him and then avoiding him. Jaebum figured he was entitled to a little rudeness.

“Oh, right.” Jackson said, sounding somewhat awkward. 

Jaebum hated this. Jackson and him were never awkward. Jackson had been one of the most important people in his life for so many years, and not just because Jaebum loved him. Jackson was one of the few people Jaebum went to when he was having a crisis. He didn’t like to involve his members in his problems, but Jackson had been through so much that he offered a unique perspective and genuinely good advice. He always cared for Jaebum and made sure he ate and didn’t work too hard. Jackson helped Jaebum with not taking himself too seriously, with reminding Jaebum that it was okay to have fun and often being the one who ensured that Jaebum took that time to get out of the studio, relax and enjoy himself. Jackson had always represented comfort and safety for Jaebum which made this tension and awkwardness between them even more painful.

“Why are you here Jackson?” Jaebum asked, hearing the exhaustion and pain in his voice. “I honestly don’t really want to talk to you right now.”

Jackson was quiet for a few seconds before murmuring, “I deserved that.”

Fuck, Jaebum didn’t mean to hurt Jackson, didn’t mean to lash at out Jackson for something that wasn’t his fault. “No, you didn’t. I’m sorry. That was rude.” Jaebum replied. 

“It’s okay, you have every right to not want to talk to me. I was an asshole.” Jackson sounded so small, so _sad_ , that even if Jaebum was hurting, he was incapable of just leaving Jackson feeling his way.

“You weren’t Jackson. You don’t have to return my feelings. You don’t have to apologize for that.” He said moving and getting on his bed, sitting on the end and facing Jackson even though it was too dark to make out much more than his outline.

“That wasn’t why I said what I did.” Jackson said quietly.

It took Jaebum probably longer than it should have for Jaebum to understand what Jackson had said. “Wait, what?” He asked, hesitant to look too far into Jackson’s words. Hesitant to get his hopes up.

“I didn’t say what I did because I didn’t return your feelings.” Jackson clarified. “It’s just… We aren’t allowed to date.”

Jaebum blinked. “Our dating ban has been over for years.” He said tentatively. He had a feeling their contractual ban was not what Jackson was talking about.

“But that doesn’t mean anything to fans.” Jackson said. “Look at what happened to other artists; they got _so_ much hate, some were even kicked out of their company. If it got out that not only were we dating, but that we were dating _men_? That we were dating _each other_? The backlash would be insane." He paused and Jaebum wished he could see Jackson's face. "Got7 is my family. I can't do anything that will put that family at risk. I know that if we got together and anyone ever found out about us it would destroy it.”

Jaebum was admittedly at a loss. It wasn't like _he_ wanted anything to happen to Got7 either. It wasn't like he didn't think of those idiots as his family too. There wasn’t much in the world that Jaebum considered more important to him than they were. 

"But no matter what happens, they'll always be family." Jaebum said. "Even if the worst case scenario happens and the group is forced to disband, Got7 will still be a family. Nothing is ever going to change that." Jaebum was certain of that fact. "And Got7 as Kpop idols was never going to last forever. We're going to get older, enlist in the military, be replaced by groups younger and more talented than us. I love our fans, I do, but does being JB of Got7 mean that Im Jaebum can't be happy?"

"Of course it doesn't." Jackson said quietly. 

"Then shouldn't I be allowed to date someone who makes me happy? Especially if that person feels the same way?"

Jackson was quiet but Jaebum was willing to wait. Was willing to wait as long as he had to for Jackson.

“I’m afraid that if we let ourselves have this then everything we’ve worked so hard for might be for nothing.” Jackson said.

Jaebum understood where Jackson was coming from. He knew how hard Jackson worked for not only Got7’s success, but for the success of his own brand. He understood that Jackson would be hesitant to do anything that might put it at risk. 

But just because he understood didn’t mean that it didn’t hurt. He got the explanation he was looking for but being told that it wasn’t because Jackson didn’t love him but because Jackson loved something else more wasn't exactly what he wanted to hear, wasn’t exactly _easy_ to hear.

“I’m not going to force you Jackson,” Jaebum said gently. “You’ve given me your answer and I’ll respect it. I admit that I was curious about your reasons and now that I’ve heard them I understand your concerns, have the same ones myself. If your answer is no then I’ll accept that.” He said quietly.

“But…” Jackson said, his tone indicating that he was clearly struggling with something, whether that was his words or his emotions Jaebum couldn’t tell since they were still sitting in the dark. “But I don’t _want_ to say no. Sometimes I look at you and I just want to kiss you so badly. I want to be able to do that whenever I want. I just want to be with you all this time because no matter what I’m doing, how tiring or stupid or boring, everything is always better, always more fun when you're there with me.” He took a breath. “I want to be able to look at you and think _'yes, he's mine._ '"

Jaebum thought he could probably already do that last one, but didn't say that out loud. "So what do you want to do?" He didn't like that he was giving Jackson all the control, but he'd already plead his case. He would never force Jackson into a relationship if he had doubts just because it was what Jaebum wanted. 

"Can I think it over a little more?" Jackson asked, sounding small and hesitant. 

Jaebum reached out blindly and found Jackson's knee on the second try. "Of course you can."

"Thank you. For that, but also for hearing me out after I was a dick."

Jaebum laughed softly. "I love you Jackson."

He heard Jackson gasp softly. "I'm not sure I'll ever get used to hearing you say that."

Jaebum was glad that it was dark because his cheeks warmed. He didn't say I love you a lot, didn't feel comfortable using it with his friends even if he loved them endlessly. The phrase always held more significance to him than to use it on a friend. Not that he didn't think the bond between friends was important but 'I love you' should be special. Should _mean_ something. If he told all his friends he loved them all the time then it would mean nothing when he said it to Jackson now. 

"Well it's true." Jaebum said awkwardly.

"I do love you you know. Please don't think my hesitation is because I don't love you."

Jaebum smiled, admittedly feeling more at ease hearing Jackson say the words. "I understand."

Jackson exhaled. "You shouldn't. I feel like an _asshole_. You're the most perfect person on the planet and anyone would be lucky to have you and I love you so much but I'm still putting you through this."

Jaebum moved, drawing closer to Jackson and avoided kneeling on him by some miracle before pulling Jackson into a hug, enjoying the way Jackson relaxed against his chest. "As I said, I understand what you're worried about. As much as I just want to be Jaebum sometimes I know that I signed up to be JB and I understand that being JB comes with a different set of rules. Rules that I very badly want to break, but rules nonetheless. We aren't just ordinary people and you're right to consider the fact that our actions could hurt more than just us. I understand that it's selfish of me to want this, to want _you_ , when puts so much at risk. But I _love_ you. I know all the 'what if it doesn't work out's but what if it does? What if it does work out and we’re just blissfully happy."

Jackson chuckled and leaned closer. "I want that. To be blissfully happy with you."

"Me too." Jaebum said simply, not putting any more pressure on Jackson to make his choice. "Do you want to just stay here tonight? It's already so late."

Jackson nodded against his shoulder and after debating internally for a second Jaebum placed a soft kiss on Jackson’s forehead before unwinding his arms from around Jackson's shoulders. "I'll find you something to sleep in."

He got off the bed and turned on the bathroom light on his way to his closet so that the two of them could actually see. He pulled out a pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt for Jackson and turned to find Jackson standing behind him. "You can use Mark's and Yugyeom's bathroom if you want."

Jackson smiled and grabbed the clothes, turning to head into the hall where the oldest and maknae's bathroom was. 

Jackson paused after a step though, turning and looking up at Jaebum before leaning up and pressing a soft kiss against Jaebum's lips. 

Jaebum almost whimpered as he was faced with the herculean task of keeping his hands at his sides, of not touching Jackson and keeping the kiss light and gentle while at the same time trying to commit every detail of it to memory. 

Luckily Jackson pulled away a few seconds later but he'd only taken one step again when Jaebum pleaded hoarsely, "Please stop doing things like that. If you're uncertain, that's fine. I'm not going to push you but you _have_ to stop doing things like that. It hurts when I think about how there is a possibility I can't have it again."

Jackson's surprised expression quickly morphed into one of sadness. "I'm sorry. I didn't think of it that way."

Jaebum didn't want Jackson to be sorry. He wanted Jackson to love him, to give them a chance. 

Shoving those thoughts aside Jaebum headed into his own bathroom—which he shared with Jinyoung—and did his nightly routine on autopilot as his thoughts were a million miles away. 

Jackson was already in bed when Jaebum climbed in next to him, chuckling when he smelled the familiar sweet scent of Mark's moisturizer. He hoped Mark wouldn't notice since the eldest was weirdly possessive over it. 

"What's so funny?" Jackson asked, his voice soft and somehow sounding more intimate when they were lying next to one another in bed. 

"Don't let Mark find out you used his cream." Jaebum warned. 

Jackson laughed quietly. "I'm the one who buys it for him. He better let me use it."

There it was again. That tiny flare of irrational jealousy Jaebum felt whenever Jackson showed one of the other members some kind of favouritism. 

He sighed and snuggled deeper into his blankets, letting himself be soothed by the sound of Jackson's breathing. Soon it wasn’t enough and he turned so that he was facing Jackson. 

Jackson must have opened the curtains on his way into bed and there was now enough light for Jaebum to be able to make out Jackson’s features. It amazed him how quickly Jackson could fall asleep these days. He remembered when they were roommates and Jackson would insist on talking for what felt like hours, unpacking everything that happened over the course of the day until one of them—Jaebum—fell asleep. Now Jackson was usually out within minutes. He was glad to see Jackson getting much deserved rest but he missed the closeness they had back then. He missed getting to see parts of Jackson that the other man didn’t let anyone else see. He missed hearing thoughts that Jackson didn’t let anyone else hear. He missed feeling like he was important to Jackson; not that he didn’t feel that way now, but it wasn’t quite the same as it had been back then.

Jaebum shuffled a little closer to Jackson, like a moth drawn to the flame, until his cheek was resting on the edge of his pillow. Jackson had always been his own personal sunshine and Jaebum had always been drawn to him. 

As exhausted as Jaebum was, he couldn’t sleep. Didn’t want to sleep, but for completely different reasons than he had when he first entered his room. Jackson was so close at the moment and Jaebum wasn’t talking about the physical inches between their faces. He meant emotionally. Jackson loved him. As frequently as Jaebum wished it could happen and wrote songs about it happening he honestly never considered the possibility that it could actually happen. But here he was. And here Jackson was and there was a chance that Jaebum could get everything he ever wanted if Jackson trusted him enough to give him this chance.

No. That wasn’t fair. It wasn’t that Jackson didn’t trust him, it was everyone else that he didn’t trust. Jaebum sighed and wished for only the third time that he’d never become an idol. Sure it was his dream and he loved it more that he could ever express but sometimes the cost of his success was more than he had ever intended to pay. Jackson was here and willing but if anyone ever told, if even one person let something slip to the wrong person, everything would come crashing down around them and the two of them wouldn’t be the only ones standing in the ashes.

Was he selfish? To want this? To not care about any of that? To want _them_ more? Was he selfish to ask Jackson to enter into a relationship where every move they made, every date they went on would have to be done in utter secrecy? Where they had to watch what they did, what they said, to ensure that no one ever found out about them? Jackson was already under enough stress, should Jaebum really be asking him to add more?

“Hyung,” Jackson called sleepily.

Jaebum blinked, having gotten so lost in his own thoughts he hadn’t realized Jackson had opened his eyes and was staring back at him.

“What’s wrong?” Jackson asked, shuffling closer until he was at the edge of his pillow too, their noses almost touching.

“Maybe you’re right,” Jaebum found himself saying. “Maybe there is too much at stake for us to do this. Maybe I’m being too selfish.” 

Jackson’s expression softened. “Wanting to be loved isn’t selfish.”

Jaebum looked at him. “But that isn’t the problem…right?” He finished hesitantly.

Jackson smiled and shook his head slightly. “No, that isn’t the problem. I only meant that wanting to be with the person you love doesn’t make you selfish.”

“It feels that way.” Jaebum admitted. “I feel guilty for wanting you so badly that I don’t care that it could ruin our careers and the careers of others. I feel guilty for wanting you anyways. But knowing how hard you’ve worked for everything another part of me feels like I shouldn’t be asking you to do this.”

“That sounds like a very complicated emotion,” Jackson quipped and Jaebum marvelled at Jackson’s ability to make him smile even though he felt like he was being torn in two.

“It’s not a fun place to be.” He admitted, smiling fondly at Jackson.

“I know.” Jackson agreed. His smile faded. “I’m sorry for putting you through this. I’m sorry for not being able to give you an answer.”

Jaebum shook his head. “This isn’t an easy thing to answer.”

“It should be.” Jackson said, frustration colouring his tone. “I want to say yes. I want to be your boyfriend. I want to fall asleep in your arms.”

Jaebum wondered if that was enough. If, should Jackson say no, just the knowledge that Jackson wanted the same things he did would be enough for him. He couldn’t answer that. 

He could, however, make one thing easier for both of them. He lifted one arm. “Come here.”

Jackson’s eyes widened. “You’re sure? You said—”

“If your answer is going to be no, at least let me have this, okay?” Jaebum asked quietly.

Jackson smiled and moved closer until he was half-draped across Jaebum, his arm wrapped tightly around Jaebum’s waist, his foot tucked between Jaebum’s and his nose pressed against Jaebum’s neck. Jaebum sighed in content and rested his cheek atop Jackson’s head, his arms locked around Jackson’s back.

He felt a featherlight kiss pressed against his collarbone. “Night hyung, love you.”

Jaebum smiled. “I love you too Jackson.”

≪ ≫

When he woke up, Jackson was nowhere in sight but Jaebum noticed the post-it note on his bedside table before he could convince himself that it had all been a really realistic dream. _Sorry hyung, I had to catch my flight back to China. I would have woken you up but you came home so late and I wanted to let you sleep. Also, you look so cute when you’re asleep._ Jaebum rolled his eyes. _I’ll call you sometime today. I love you._ He’d finished off the note with a messy little heart.

As stupid as it was, it made Jaebum smile so he stuck the note back to the bedside table instead of just throwing it out. 

He made his way out to the kitchen where an exhausted looking Jinyoung was eating with Yugyeom. Jinyoung had probably just returned from his night shoot and Jaebum was surprised he was trying his patience by eating with Yugyeom. “Morning.” He said as he went to make himself something to eat.

“You seem…happy.” Jinyoung commented suspiciously.

Jaebum glanced over at him. “You spent a week and a half telling me to get myself together and now you're suspicious when I do?”

“Yes, exactly.” Jinyoung confirmed.

“Jackson was here.” Yugyeom said nonchalantly.

Jinyoung turned his whole body to face Jaebum and his exhaustion seemed to melt away. “Jackson was here? Did you talk to him?”

“Aren’t you supposed to be tired or something?” Jaebum mumbled, having no intention of talking to Jinyoung until he clarified exactly where he stood with Jackson. “Go to bed.”

“This is way more interesting.” Jinyoung said, making Yugyeom laugh. 

Jaebum glared at the maknae and ignored Jinyoung as he threw a bunch of random fruit and protein powder Jackson had given them into the blender.

“You’re really not going to tell me?” Jinyoung asked after Jaebum continued to ignore his expectant face as he made his smoothie and washed the blender.

“Nope.” Jaebum answered simply as he left the kitchen to head back to his room.

“Did it not go well then?” Jinyoung asked, following him as Jaebum knew he would. “You just… You looked happy when you walked in so I just assumed… Do you want to talk about it?”

Jaebum softened. As nosy as Jinyoung was, Jaebum appreciated his best friend. “It’s not that it didn’t go well. I’m just not sure what to say. Jackson and I still need to figure ourselves out first.”

Jinyoung looked worried, but nodded and told Jaebum that he was there if either of them needed him. Jaebum thanked him, relieved that Jinyoung was willing to be there for both of them and didn’t feel like he had to choose a side should it come to that.

Jaebum kept his phone close to him all day, ensuring the volume was turned up so loud that there was no way he would miss it anywhere in the dorm or the studio, even if his phone was within arm's reach from him at all times. He jumped every time it rang and felt like an idiot every time it wasn’t Jackson. Sure, Jackson said he’d call but he was a busy person and it wouldn’t be the first time he forgot or just simply didn’t have time. 

Jaebum felt like such a lovesick fool waiting by the phone as much as he needed some kind of closure, whether it be good news or bad news, he was driving himself insane. So he put his phone on silent, threw it on the couch behind him and actually got some work done, pretending like this wasn’t hanging over his head, over his heart.

At the end of the day, feeling like he'd actually accomplished something, he powered off his computer and turned to look at his phone. His heart seemed to beat faster as he walked closer and picked it up. The notification light was flashing, it almost always was, but this time one of those messages could change his life forever. 

He unlocked his phone and checked his call logs first, his heart tripping over itself when he saw a missed call from Jackson. 

He had voicemails and he impatiently listened to one from their manager about a scheduling change, one from a friend from high school about planning a time to catch up and what sounded like a pocket dial from someone before he heard the familiar voice he had been waiting to hear all day. “Hey hyung.”

Jaebum’s heart dropped from those two words alone. Jackson sounded like he’d been crying. Sounded quiet and nervous and _sad_. “I’ve thought about what we talked about a lot today. I meant it when I said that I loved you but… It’s too much. There is too much at stake. I can’t… I can’t love you if the other half of my heart is worrying that we might hurt the people we care about. That wouldn’t be fair to you.” He stopped and took a shaky inhale that had Jaebum squeezing his eyes shut so he wouldn’t cry too. “I’m an asshole for doing this over the phone, for leaving this on your fucking _voicemail_ , but I didn’t know if I was brave enough to do it to your face. I love you,” he repeated, his voice breaking. “I _do_. But I’m sorry, my answer is no.”

* * *

**Lyrics:**

Stop it stop stop stop stop it

Whenever you do that it drives me crazy

When you look into my eyes with that smile

I want to go hug you with all my guts

Stop it stop stop stop stop it

When I feel your touch it triggers the alarm

Whenever we talk you slightly hold me by the arm

I want to turn around and hug you tight, stop it

I’m holding it because you say no

Like a child in front of a shop window

Can’t have it but I can’t let it go

When I close my eyes, whenever I see your pretty face

I bet you never know how hard I try yeah~

Stop it stop stop stop stop it

Whenever you do that it drives me crazy

When you look into my eyes with that smile

I want to go hug you with all my guts

Stop it stop stop stop stop it

When I feel your touch it triggers the alarm

Whenever we talk you slightly hold me by the arm

I want to turn around and hug you tight

Stop it, you’re driving me crazy

Stop it, I can’t take it anymore

Stop it, please stop baby stop it

Stop it, please stop please stop it

Try this yourself, see if you can stand it

This sheer torture, far beyond tolerance level

You don’t know cause you’ve never been through it

Every single day I test my patience

I wouldn’t say this if you weren’t so pretty

With your delightful smile, you make me a fool

I am going crazy out of my mind

I see you everyday but I’d rather not see you

Stop it stop stop stop stop it

Whenever you do that it drives me crazy

When you look into my eyes with that smile

I want to go hug you with all my guts

Stop it stop stop stop stop it

When I feel your touch it triggers the alarm

Whenever we talk you slightly hold me by the arm

I want to turn around and hug you tight

Stop it, don’t push me any further, you say we’re only friends

Then put your arm around my shoulders,

And walk arm in arm, just driving me crazy

Stop it, my heart is pounding, my face is getting red

Its hard to pretend to be cool yeah~

Do you understand my mind, don’t know if you can

Does it always take so long to choose your man

You should know by now, why are you doing this exceptionally?

Am I so different from your prince charming?

I'm an alright guy, I really am

I'm a good boy

Just let me bat and I’ll hit a grand slam

To me you’re more precious than a treasure

It would be the greatest honour if you would give me a chance

Stop it, you’re driving me crazy

Stop it, I can’t take it anymore

Stop it, please stop baby stop it

Stop it, please stop please stop it

Stop it stop stop stop stop it

Whenever you do that it drives me crazy

When you look into my eyes with that smile

I want to go hug you with all my guts

Stop it stop stop stop stop it

When I feel your touch it triggers the alarm

Whenever we talk you slightly hold me by the arm

I want to turn around and hug you tight, stop it

**Lyrics by:**

JYP "The Asian Soul"

**Author's Note:**

> NOBODY PANIC. THIS STORYLINE WILL BE CONTINUED IN ANOTHER PART OF THIS SERIES. You can find part two [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20467889). You honestly have no idea how hard it was for me NOT to write a happy ending for this. My soul hurts guys...
> 
> And I know I did two pining fics back to back but this song is LITERALLY about pining so there was really nothing I could do about that. We're finally getting some lyrics that aren't quite so generic! Yay, character development! Also, just for giggles I re-watched the Stop Stop It music video before posting this. Oh my god it's so cringey. They're literally wearing leather overalls 😂 who thought that was a good idea?
> 
> The next fic will be based on Just Right. I have two plots fighting it out in my head at the moment and I can't decide which one I want to go with so I'm not sure when the next fic will be up. Hopefully within the next two weeks though.
> 
> Until next time, take care everybody ♡
> 
> PS: I don't know why these fics seem to keep getting longer every time I post one but I am fairly certain this is not going to be a continuing pattern. Probably.


End file.
